Students from Southbury Middle School were giddy with excitement on Thursday as long-time rivals Bryson Jones and Nathan McAlister announced they would engage in a "no-holds-barred, bare-knuckle brawl" after school.

"We were really looking forward to it," said one attendee. "These two have mad beef, so we knew it was gonna be good."

After the final bell, a crowd quickly gathered in the soccer field behind Norwood Auditorium to witness the showdown. Jones kicked things off with a heartfelt monologue, explaining how the lack of a father figure in his life bred his resentment for McAlister, who grew up in a loving household . This, he said, fueled the kick that would come eight minutes later.

The kick missed by a mile, largely due to Jones' total lack of fighting ability. McAlister countered with his own speech, detailing the long and tragic arc of their relationship. He reminded Jones of his vow to "pound the friendship back into him, whatever the cost." Any punch he threw, he claimed, would carry "massive emotional weight and tragic potency" of that promise.

Unfortunately for the crowd, those punches never came. "We came to see blood," one student recalled, "but we got a therapy session instead. I'm all for a good backstory, but come fight time, you need to let your fists do the talking."

Realizing that neither could injure the other in any capacity, the pair proceeded to stare at each other, conveying their rage and sorrow through intense eye contact. Jeers and boos soon followed from the disappointed crowd.

Sensing their frustration, Jones began menacingly throwing ninja signs at McAlister. Not to be outdone, McAlister dropped into a horse stance and started yelling loudly, Dragon Ball-style, in an attempt to raise his power level.

This went on for another four hours until both parties agreed to postpone the fight. "I need to dig deeper," Jones declared. "Find the real source of my pain. Then I'll definitely kick his ass."