Barnabus Wickenstock is struggling to understand exactly how it all went wrong. "I was really excited at first" he shared, referring to the first time he successfully cast the Patronus charm. But excitement has quickly gave way to concern as he says something is definitely off. " He's so lazy. He just sits there and cleans himself. That's all he does."

Things came to a head last week when Professor Fizzledick asked Barnabus to square off against a dementor during his Defense Against the Darks class.

Fellow students describe what followed as a harrowing soul-sucking session straight out of Azkaban. "For some reason Professor Fizzledick didn't step in" said one concerned student, who asked to remain anonymous. "Barnabus got sucked real good".

"My patronus didn't lift a paw," Barnabus explained. “He just watched me take it”.

He now estimates that he's lost at least half of all his happy childhood memories. "I even forgot how to swim. I used love to swim...I think". His frustration is only amplified by the fact that some classmates' patronuses have been over-performing in similar situations. "Morgana's patronus is a rhino. That thing wrecks dementors! She can even ride it to class."

In light of these events, Barnabus now plans to change his concentration from Defense Against the Dark Arts to Divination. "I just can't afford to be caught off-guard, y'know? I need to know what’s coming" he said, glancing at his patronus who had just settled in for a nap.