On Tuesday, the Demon Slayer Corps announced that 22-year-old American Chad Johnston has joined its ranks as its first Tariff Hashira, marking a bold new chapter in demon-slaying history.

A self-proclaimed crypto prodigy from Conway, Arkansas, Johnston has developed a unique breathing style that allows him to devastate any financial system he comes in contact with. "Japan brought me in to set things right, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do," Johnston declares. "Trade deficits are the real demons, y’all… and I fuckin’ hate demons."

Although Johnston hasn’t yet identified specific targets, he warns that no one is safe. "Real talk," he says, "shit's about to go down. Not everyone’s ready for my vibe—especially the old guard."

When asked why he doesn’t wield the traditional Japanese katana, Johnston explained that his abilities rely less on steel and more on sudden, theatrical proclamations that shake markets to their core.

"Tariff Breathing, First Form: Tough Luck, European Cuck!" he roars. "That’s 15% on all liquor products, right there, boom!"

While Johnston’s skills undeniably pack a punch, doubts linger about the wisdom of unleashing a no-holds-barred economic onslaught against Japan’s closest trade allies. Critics are already sounding the alarm. "Inflation’s going to skyrocket," warns Shinzo Takama, head of METI, Japan’s Ministry of Economy, Trade, and Industry. "This guy's totally clueless about supply chains or fiscal policy—he’s an absolute trainwreck."

Undaunted by the criticism, Johnston insists that audacity is needed now more than ever. "Like my crypto guru says: you can’t go anywhere if you don’t pick up your balls. So sack up and strap in — Tariff Breathing, Second Form: Say What, Japanese Twat?"